Dog Pile

Someone messaged me today.

They said, “…and I don’t know you from Adam but I see you going through it and you seem to maintain such positivity. And I need that.”  Here’s the truth and I’ll be super blunt.

Just yesterday I wanted to eat a bullet.

My heart bleeds, man. I have a beautiful daughter and I could NEVER leave her.  I love her so much that I would never want to hurt her but that thought kept creeping in…and to top things off, it was National Suicide Awareness Day….I mean…(insert eye roll here).

Things were consuming me and I’m tired and I want a break. I want MORE than a break.  I want life and I want to thrive.

A bullet won’t give me any of these things…and more importantly, a bullet would take away any chance of ever living and thriving.

So I texted someone. I texted a short text that ended with “I won’t do anything to myself but I am not sure why I am even alive.”

She called me. We spoke on the phone for over an hour and a half.  She countered lies that my mind was telling me.  She countered lies that others have told me.

She spent her time building me up and encouraging me.  The conversation started off with me sobbing uncontrollably and ended with me laughing and cracking jokes.

My point…”Your words are so powerful that they will kill or give life…” – Proverbs 18:21.

I have a propensity to be optimistic. I was born this way. I am usually a super positive person and spend a major part of my day verbalizing my gratitude for whatever comes to mind.

HOWEVER… Let me paint you a picture:

When I was younger…much younger, I remember playing in the front yard of my grandma’s house. A bunch of my cousins where there. We were playing football, American football…tackle.  I was probably between 8-11 years old. I was somewhere in the middle of all my cousins.  There were a lot of older cousins and a lot of younger cousins.  I remember getting the football and running hard towards the end zone.  We were laughing and having so much fun.

And then I was tackled.

That tackle turned into the biggest dog pile. When I landed, my head had rolled where my chin was on my chest. I was on my stomach with the ball under me. I felt a pull in my neck and back. My face was smashed into the ground and I couldn’t breathe.  My cousins kept piling on. No one was being malicious. We were playing. I remember, for the first time in my life, a fear that I was in real trouble.  I was trying to scream but I had no air in my lungs.  My mouth was filled with dirt and grass; my body was crushed under the weight of my cousins.  And it kept going.

I couldn’t move and was trying desperately to let someone know that I needed help. I remember closing my eyes and hearing my cousins screaming and laughing.

I started going dim.

Finally, someone else got hurt and was able to communicate that with a bellowing scream. People started rolling and climbing off.  At this point, I remember thinking that it didn’t matter. I could feel some relief but it wasn’t going to be in time. The final kid rolled off and I couldn’t move. Someone grabbed me and rolled me over. I remember having tears but not being able to cry out. One of my older cousins slapped me so hard in the face to try and get me to take a breath in and it worked.

I cried.  I cried hard.

When you’re overwhelmed, it’s like being at the bottom of that dog pile. And it keeps going. It’s stress, it’s lies, it’s lack, it’s a broken heart…and everyone around you is still living.  You’re in the middle of it and everyone is still having fun…but you’re dying.

 “…and I don’t know you from Adam but I see you going through it and you seem to maintain such positivity. And I need that.”  Well…I have shit days. BUT, I learned that words, MY words, YOUR words, can destroy or build. SO...when I “seem to maintain such positivity”, it’s because I am building. I am building something for me to lean on. I am building something to shelter me. I am building something that is healthy. Sometimes, it’s a slap in the face that forces me to take a breath and sometimes it’s a meme that is SO freaking funny that I can’t help but crack up laughing.  Social Media is just one of those places that allows me to share good, uplifting, positive words.  SO, no, my life is not perfect. Just like everyone else, I’ve been on the top of the dog pile and I’ve been breathless at the bottom.  We all have shit days. I choose to do my best to speak life and speak hope into our lives.

We are powerful creatures. Our words are powerful. The tongue can speak words that bring life or death. Those who love to talk must be ready to accept what it brings.

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11